Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Heart Surgery

After reading my last post I had to make a few changes to it. I think it is very drastic to eliminate writing in the blog completely. There is nothing wrong with the blog itself. The problem lies within my attitude, and to see that my heart is being broken is actually a blessed thing. To be brought to dust is a blessed thing. It is God's "heart surgery" as a friend from back home calls it. It hurts, it strips us of any strength, but it leaves us growing in the right way. Or better, its like the pruning of the branches on the Vine in John 15. The Vinedresser cleans and prunes the branches, and that is going to involve pain. But as each sucker is cut off, more of Christ flows. So I am thankful. It seems odd to say, but I am thankful that I am weak, and I am more thankful that God has shown me how weak I am. To have a thorn in the flesh, or multiple thorns in the flesh, is a good thing. I know God's grace is sufficient for me, and I know the Shepherd will continue to lead me. I always think, in these times, of Peter and how he "wept bitterly" when he realized he denied the Lord as the Lord Jesus predicted. I know in some small way what it is to "weep bitterly". All of the things that went through his head... I can only imagine: sorrow, anger, confusion, guilt, despair...

The biggest thing I came face-to-face with is my own pride. Pride is a sneaky thing. Its not like smacking someone on the head or yelling profanity. You know pretty much right away with those things. Pride is a slumbering giant. It allows you to think you are doing well, but slowly it infects you and all you do. One day you wake up, if you wake up (by God's grace), to realize you have become a hideous monster and all that you do is tinged with the cold deadness of a pride-monster. Pretty amazing. I started to see that when I studied, when I read the Scriptures, it was to polish my nugget of knowledge and understanding so I could be powerful when showing it to others rather than to know Christ more and passionately disclose Him to others. Pretty evil.

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