Friday, July 01, 2005

It is Done

I am filled with sorrow, and even jealousy. Why am I so blind? I have received today what I have been missing. I "get it". I don't know if I lost it or if I never had it, but today my heart breaks. The only reason I will keep this blog alive is as a testimony to the working of God in my life. I had a post on the "gut of the Christian life" is wrong. There were some accurate things in there, but the gut of the Christian life is Christ. Yes it is lived in love, but Christ is the only Source. In Christ we have our joy and our whole existence. Lose yourself in Him. Drown in Him; become drenched in Him and all that He is for you and all that He has done for you.

This is what it means when I hear over and over that the Bible is not a "recipe book". There is no formula for loving as a Christian. There is a Source, and there are those who live upon the Source. There is Bread, and there are beggars who feed. There is the Vine, and there are branches. I don't know why I am finally getting it, but I am glad.

It is not enough to talk about Christ, to learn things about Christ and the dynamics of salvation. It is not enough, and very often, as in my case, the love for things about Christ eclipses Christ Himself. I am angry with myself, and even jealous of the brother who so graciously dropped the axe that culminated the sense of hollowness that has been accumulating. There is a time to write, to think, but there is a time to go and to do. Now is the time for me to go and to do. Christ is too wonderful, too blissful, too abundant, too satisfying, too awesome to just be enjoyed in print and just between the two ears. My heart breaks at the wasted time and energy. I know there has been good in it (not all wasteful), too, but I know my relationships have suffered from my monk-like attitude... cloistering myself away to learn and perfect my understanding of things, especially controversial things, and in many ways and times all unto my own glory. Forget it. Christ is too much of a Living Savior to not be loved outwardly, to not be lived, to not be talked about to others, to not be proclaimed from the ROOF TOPS. Do not just proclaim the doctrine of justification, proclaim the LORD and Messiah who is the Justifier! Lord, forgive me for my blindness. Forgive me for my incessant focus on things that are not You, all the while convincing myself that I am doing well. Forgive me also for my envy toward my brother in whom You have worked so abundantly. I long to have a heart that is so full of Christ, so utterly in love with Him that it oozes and drips of Him. I am broken, restore me. Change my heart and kill this self-glorying. Break the hardness of my veins so that the knowledge you have given me would become love and wisdom in the heart, and as such, would pour out of my fingertips and lips about the wonder of Christ our Savior. This is my prayer.

1 comment:

Jeff said...

awesome. so God is working in you, moving you towards something greater. Ultimately, that is Christ Himself. So weep over our blindness, selfishness, self-righteousness, and sin in general.. but know that this realization somehow shows us Christ more, more grace, more wonder, more amazement, more awe, more LOVE for Him. Maybe you can't see it. Maybe I am just getting a glimpse and don't really understand, but I see God at work in you. Just like your OCD has been hellish, it has allowed you to depend on Christ, draw near, and show Him more to others. I think this is the same process, maybe just in another direction. So take heart and have hope because of Christ.