No title for this one. I just want to write some things because I can. It's a good thing to be able to think and write the things down. I just listened to part of a great sermon while walking on the treadmill. I was moved greatly, and I thought, "I will write something in my blog about this." As I sat down to write, I thought again, and again. Why was I so intent on trying to come up with something that would be so great to convey? Its like I feel this force pressing me to appear cool, to man-please or know that I have done a great thing by uplifting somebody. There is something so artificial about it all. To even write about it makes me squirm in shame.
Anyway, I remember walking on the tread-mill, staring at the wall, and listening to John Piper preach. What really struck me is how woefully ignorant I am of my own sin. I want to be humble, loving, gracious, merciful, tender, yet also firm, vigilant, and truth-defending. Yes, I want to be changed and to have that balance, but then I thought and prayed, "Lord, before balance, show me where I am unbalanced and therefore that I am unbalanced!" I think I was smelling my own pride and the stench was overcoming me. I sensed its presence, but I could just rebuke it blindly.
That is what I want, though. I want to see where I am lacking, where I am brittle and jagged when tenderness is needed, where I am wishy-washy where courage is needed. I know it is there -I just want to see it. I need to see it. I don't want to see it so I can wallow, but I want to see it because it is like a cancerous sore growing on my back that needs to be removed. I thought more, and I thought about Jesus -the perfect man, the perfect preacher, pastor, the perfect Christian. There is something so humbling about looking at the man Christ Jesus. I so often can only catch a faint aroma of the difference between His ways and mine, while the reality is a gulf too big to see across.
I don't know what the point of this is, but thats the beauty- I don't have to have a point! :P I thank God for giving me sight, even sight to see that I do not see my own filth in its true light. It's a good thing. I am perplexed, but I am thankful. I am humbled, but I am loved. I pray for more sight, that I may be one who is humble and tender and loving but also steadfast and solid and unwavering -not for the sake of knowing that I am, but because it is beautiful and right and the way God wants -it brings glory to Him. I want to beam it toward Him like gigantic spot-lights. I want to praise and worship Him with my life and know what it means to love others so purely and fully because I am so captured by the love of God so deeply. I can't bear the ugliness otherwise. I want to be conformed more into the image of the Son -something that seems so impossible but also is so completely and consciously desirable.
Thanks for reading.