Thursday, July 28, 2005

No title for this one. I just want to write some things because I can. It's a good thing to be able to think and write the things down. I just listened to part of a great sermon while walking on the treadmill. I was moved greatly, and I thought, "I will write something in my blog about this." As I sat down to write, I thought again, and again. Why was I so intent on trying to come up with something that would be so great to convey? Its like I feel this force pressing me to appear cool, to man-please or know that I have done a great thing by uplifting somebody. There is something so artificial about it all. To even write about it makes me squirm in shame.

Anyway, I remember walking on the tread-mill, staring at the wall, and listening to John Piper preach. What really struck me is how woefully ignorant I am of my own sin. I want to be humble, loving, gracious, merciful, tender, yet also firm, vigilant, and truth-defending. Yes, I want to be changed and to have that balance, but then I thought and prayed, "Lord, before balance, show me where I am unbalanced and therefore that I am unbalanced!" I think I was smelling my own pride and the stench was overcoming me. I sensed its presence, but I could just rebuke it blindly.

That is what I want, though. I want to see where I am lacking, where I am brittle and jagged when tenderness is needed, where I am wishy-washy where courage is needed. I know it is there -I just want to see it. I need to see it. I don't want to see it so I can wallow, but I want to see it because it is like a cancerous sore growing on my back that needs to be removed. I thought more, and I thought about Jesus -the perfect man, the perfect preacher, pastor, the perfect Christian. There is something so humbling about looking at the man Christ Jesus. I so often can only catch a faint aroma of the difference between His ways and mine, while the reality is a gulf too big to see across.

I don't know what the point of this is, but thats the beauty- I don't have to have a point! :P I thank God for giving me sight, even sight to see that I do not see my own filth in its true light. It's a good thing. I am perplexed, but I am thankful. I am humbled, but I am loved. I pray for more sight, that I may be one who is humble and tender and loving but also steadfast and solid and unwavering -not for the sake of knowing that I am, but because it is beautiful and right and the way God wants -it brings glory to Him. I want to beam it toward Him like gigantic spot-lights. I want to praise and worship Him with my life and know what it means to love others so purely and fully because I am so captured by the love of God so deeply. I can't bear the ugliness otherwise. I want to be conformed more into the image of the Son -something that seems so impossible but also is so completely and consciously desirable.

Thanks for reading.

2 comments:

DAO said...

your welcome. thanks for posting your heart and what God is doing. In His kingdom, the way up...is down. down we go before the glorious splendor of His majesty...exactly where we ought to be!
Let's do what we ought before our God and believe Him when He lifts us up in Christ. He already has! He dealready is! He already will!
So we will bless His Name every day...forever and ever!
Psalm 145!

DAO said...

your welcome. thanks for posting your heart and what God is doing. In His kingdom, the way up...is down. down we go before the glorious splendor of His majesty...exactly where we ought to be!
Let's do what we ought before our God and believe Him when He lifts us up in Christ. He already has! He dealready is! He already will!
So we will bless His Name every day...forever and ever!
Psalm 145!