If there is one thing I wish for myself more than anything it would be this: that I would not just admire the beauty of the glory of God from a far, or how deeply God is concerned with His own glory and its shining over all creation, but that I would be utterly gripped by it. I want that. I want to be gripped in the most secret place of my soul so that everything I look at looks different. I have a taste of this, and I praise God for it, but I am so weak and so overcome with the things of the world and my own glory. I want to not just taste God and His sweetness and His majesty. I want to be drunk!
When I reflect upon the lives of great men in history who were used so mightily for the glory of God, I can't help but confess my infancy. When I read their words that convey their private thoughts, I am diminished to a fly on the wall. I can see, I can hear, but I am just a fly. It won't be long til I fly off to find a pile of excrement to land on and feed.
I do thank God for how He has really driven me to be a student ever since I first knew the truth, but I want more. I want my outward behavior to bring glory to His name. I want my private thoughts to be concerned with the heavenly beauty of Him and to be delighted and contented. I am not merely an infant, I am a sick infant who needs to be fed by tubes. I am premature. My zeal can be great, but often it is zeal for my own agenda even if at the time I believe I am doing right. It is that I have not been gripped and overpowered, blown away, by God's agenda for His own glory. So, my agenda seems good to me at the time...
I have weak faith. I struggle often -I want to be overcome with knowing that I am His, that I belong to the Lamb who was slain. There are times when I am, and it is sheer bliss. There is not a thing that can silence it in me when I am flooded in that way. Maybe what I seek is too subjective and concerned with feelings, but what I want is to be overwhelmed by God and brought to tears concerning His grace. It goes deeper than just feeling, and it is still there when the feelings are not -it is a deep knowing that embraces the soul. I want to cry in joy over the great High Priest who loves me and offered Himself without blemish to the Father to atone for every wicked thing in me. God have mercy and hear me.