I notice how I am. I tend to reinvent myself when I come across some new, ground-breaking knowledge, when I find a new favorite teacher or preacher who really brings something to life that I've never seen before. And I create new, vast ideas. Since I like to write, I sometimes create new blogs. A new idea comes into my head, and it becomes a new blog, a new "ministry" to save one minscule corner of the world.
But why? I realized that many times it is because I want to leave behind who I was. That was the old Tim, the one who didn't have this new knowledge or new insight or new found confidence or depth of intimacy with God. So, create a new platform, create a new forum, a new arena to put my ideas out.
Yet, they were fresh ideas once. There was a point in time where those things I wrote were real. They were felt, they were chewed on, they were struggled through -sometimes painfully. They were wrestled with. They enlightened me or pierced my soul. They were relevant to where I was at the time, even if now, looking upon them, I think, "Wow, he really missed what was most important." I'm certain I will look back on this some day with the same awkwardness -like when you look at your dorky yearbook pictures from when you were fourteen.
But the truth is, those are me, too. My past, my past thoughts, my past experiences, my past mistakes, and my past ideas -whether good or bad, enlightened or foolish, on-the-mark or scattered, prideful or humble, make up who I am and make up my journey of faith with Jesus Christ. If we have no past to look back to, we have not moved, we have not grown, we have not made steps forward.
It dawned on my that all my attempts at coming up with new blogs and editing who I was before... it is foolish. I should be able to look back upon where I was and either laugh or cry, smile or wince, but it would still be real. I came to see that no matter what I might think of who I was or what I wrote in the past, it is still part of who I am and part of my journey, and to have it chronicled for me is a good thing. It is a way to see myself as real, to see myself from the outside as a living lump of clay being formed in the hands of my Master. There I am... in all my imperfection. There I am... the one that the Lord loves and holds, the one He knows personally and intimately, the one He stooped to claim. That is a great thing, an amazing thing.
So, I'm shutting down my other blog, Gospel Identity. I'll probably transfer some posts over to this blog, but in the future I intend to contribute on this blog which represents me, personally.
Besides, is it my job to try to save you with dazzling insights, even if (in the moment) I think I've found one? Hardly, although I've acted that way, before. I've been a prisoner in my own thoughts to know, the hard way, that it is not more insights I (or any of us) need... it is only my Savior. It is Jesus, simple and complex, above and yet imminent... with the Father and yet right here with me, keeping me, walking with me, walking ahead of me. If any of my thoughts can be used by Him to point another to Him and to connect with someone wherever they are in life, then that is a gift in itself -one I cannot produce. Praise be His.
Keepin' it real...