Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Thoughts on Insecurity

I struggle with insecurity.  Most people, if they are honest, will admit that they do.  I'm not really sure why, but I sorta always have.  Some experiences in life certainly haven't helped.

The Lord has shown me how my insecurity is laregely pride, a quest for my own glory.  I feel insecure about how I compare to others, but I simultaneously am compelled to do things which show how great I am when I am put in a position in which I believe I perform better than someone else.  I feel insecure about what others think of me

The result is simple.  It's called "slavery."  I'm either pulled with intense gravity to boast, or I'm intimidated by others, in comparison to them or terrified of their disapproval.  The closer they are to me or more important they are to me, the greater the effect.  Yet, it is slavery -I'm bound in service.  The worst thing my insecurity can handle is to not be great, to be insignificant, to be worthless.  And with all of that self-preoccupation, it is pretty difficult to think of and love others.

I've read enough and talked to enough counselors to know that a very common way to deal with this, from the aspect of Christian counseling, is to focus on my identity in Christ and my justification -that I am righteous in Christ, perfect and complete... that I am God's child, Christ's Bride, a priest unto God.  This is good, and it is true enough.  Maybe if there was some kind of powerful encounter with God where He really drilled these things into my soul, I would be "cured."

Is it really just a matter of finding my affirmation from God instead of people, or is there more to it?  I think there is more going on.  See, I never actually addressed something:  why am I so preoccupied with my own greatness and "glory" to begin with?  Maybe I don't need more affirmation, per se.  Maybe I need to look at the matter of my preoccupation with myself rather than my preoccupation with the Lord and others.  Granted, it is nothing I can flip a switch and change, but if I put my eyes there, at least I am perhaps being more honest about the issue.

See, Jesus gave us a totally backwards, upside-down way to look at "greatness."  He said that to be first meant to be last.  The greatest is the servant of all.  The one who is really "great" is the one who cares so little of his own greatness that he is preoccupied with serving others and being used faithfully by his God.  Jesus, Himself, exemplifies this, and He did so on our behalf.  The second chapter of Philippians reminds us of this.

Even though I still battle this, I do see something slowly working and brewing in me.  When I stop looking for methods to "fix myself" and I start looking at Jesus, drawing near to Him as a Person rather than an idea, I see in Him something beautiful.  I see One who had real greatness and glory, unlike me, and gave it up voluntarily to serve, to be an instrument.  As I gaze upon Him and enter in with Him, I start to love that about Him more and more... so much that I want to be like Him.  I start to love that about Him and see the true greatness of casting the opinions of others into the wind for the sake of being used by God in service to others.  I start to want to follow Him in that capacity, to walk in that way, even though I am so poor at it.

Lord, it is great to be used by You, to follow You no matter what because of who You are.  That is great and glorious.  I see in You that it is great to be counted as nothing by others for the sake of being a part of God's elaborite plan of redemption, working in the ways You have ordained for me, to path You have set for me.  It is great to be less so that You can be more.

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