This may or may not go against certain theological qualifications and categories, but I don't care right now and I need to say it anyway because it is real. I'm at the point in my life where I see that I need to stop living in the twilight between two worlds. I've given myself a break, a big break in many ways, because of a lot of tribulation and suffering I've gone through in the past few years. I've relaxed quite a bit -some ways being good but some ways not so good. I see the long leash I've given myself, and I'm not really happy where I end up sniffing all the time.
I'm tired of slipping into the same sins, feeling guilty for a few days, and then going back to the same old non-committed attitude. My intentions are good, but I've seen recently how I'm not 100% sold. I'm living in a state of float, and I don't like it anymore. I look at what Jesus did for me, and I don't like being on this long leash and sniffing in the garbage anymore. I look at what Jesus did for me, and I honestly have to say to myself, "How can you live in such a passive, non-commital state?" I don't want to anymore. I don't want it on my conscience. I don't want to live in the twilight anymore.
Jesus, just for being who you are you deserve all of me. But for doing all you have done for me, you especially deserve all of me... you deserve much more than a person who loves you on some level but gives himself license to be sloppy and to bend where he should not be bending. No, there will be no guilt-tripping. That is not what I am adopting instead. I mean I want to be yours, for real again.
Sometimes "grace" can become a crutch and be dangerously used to minimize our sin, for fear of going to the opposite extreme and self-flagellating. "Oh, it's ok. Everybody sins. God isn't disappointed -He already knew it would happen." Excuses. Rationalizations. Minimizations. But that isn't really grace. Grace doesn't minimize sin. It upholds the Law while getting past it to the point where you see that you are free at an amazing Price. Jesus -you are that price. This is where I've missed it, lately.
Again... Jesus, given what you have done, how can I continue to live like it isn't a big deal? How can I not give myself 100% to you? I must ask myself... "Where does your allegiance really lie?" I want to come home. No more minimizations or excuses.