Friday, December 30, 2011

Getting rid of the Script

I have been the kind of person who scripts out everything in his mind and wants life to go according to the script.  It needs to happen like this.  I want to be this way.  I want to feel this way and not that way.  I need to perform this way.  I need this person to love me.  I create a definite picture of how I want things to be.

That script has changed over the years quite a bit.  It has narrowed from external circumstances to internal circumstances.  But even that is slightly untrue.  Though my "script" has become more about things like my own personal psychological makeup, confidence, poise, and the ability to handle suffering and rejection and difficult situations better, I must admit that even that script is about having a script for the life I life in, including what happens around me.  Maybe something like this: "If I can just be superman, I can be bullet-proof.  And if I can be bullet-proof, life will be easier and if I am rejected it won't hurt."

But the script, that need for control, hurt us more than it helps us.  It becomes a noose around the neck.  Having goals is not a bad things, but some goals are bad... destructive, constricting, imprisoning.  Trying to script life and make life, even your own internal life, stick to the script is all of those things.  You won't be happier, you will be perenially frustrated and you will beat on yourself for not getting what you want.  And most ironically, you won't be protected from the pains of life.

This is a rejecting world we live in... full of personal rejection and circumstantial tragedy.  You can't avoid it.  It is only a matter of when and how much.  Taking a defensive, scripted, controlled posture toward life, on the grander scale, and internally, emotionally, and relationally, on a personal scale, does not change that fact.  You create yourself a script, and it becomes your self-torture device.  You create yourself a protective wall, and it becomes your prison.

I wonder what went on inside of Adam and Eve after the fall.  They both hid from God, but they also both covered themselves from each other with fig leaves.  Was it merely shame over sin, or did they also feel betrayed by the other?  Did Eve feel betrayed because her husband did not stop her?  Did Adam feel betrayed because his wife brought sin to his door?  What about guilt?  Did they feel that they let each other down?  And was their retreat from each other out of these things?

A much better goal would be what?  A much better and freer goal would be to be able to live in this life "naked" -without your emotional defense mechanisms, without your need to control and script life, able instead to take the game as it comes to you, to live and relate in this world without those destructive "protections" and simply be.  That sounds so free, and it would be indeed.  But then you are faced with something... what a terrifying thing to walk in this world "naked".  But what a necessary thing when your "clothing" chokes you and stifles you and torments you.

No comments: