For years, I thought it was my job to endure excruciating situations and do anything to hold my family together. And I did.
As that fell apart, I followed a call to enjoy things in life. I let my hair down, I indulged in things I never indulged in before. Some of it was bad, but some of it was good. I learned how to have fun -and I became good at it. I learned that I was capable of enjoying things. But I also learned that there are limits to this. Too much can leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth in the mourning, and still that aching hunger is left unsatisfied.
I don't fault myself for these callings. I still see the first as good. I chose what I chose for very good reasons. I suffered for what is right and good. And I see that being able to relax and have fun and explore the more social and outward side of life is also very important. On this journey, I found my voice. And my voice can be loud!
But what I want is that higher calling. I want to believe it. I want to see it in my mind's eye. I want to taste it. For example, I want to truly believe that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, that my light is precious and worth shining for the glory of the King. I want that calling to take hold of me so that I am mastered by it, by Him.